Ninjaearth's Blog

CHANGES & CHALLENGES — TRANSFORMATIONAL FOOD FOR THE SOUL April 27, 2012

Spring, it’s here. It’s in the air, it’s in the sky, and it’s in the trees. The weather has been extremely beautiful just as it has been deadly, especially this past weekend with the first superstorm that I’ve ever experienced in my life (thankfully it wasn’t too severe in this area, but not so thankful that it changed the lives of others who had the worst of it in F3 – F5s tornados). Just as spring brings forth new life to God’s creations Spring has brought us some changes to my own personal life as well as well as places that I’m closely tied to. Our church now has elected by vote a new senior pastor. At a nearby church, I attend an evening community group of college singles for a weekly Bible study and fellowship. It has been a great blessing to finally be around peers who are essentially on the same path in life that I am, with each of us having our own callings. Some are done with college while others have entered their careers and just about all of us are thinking of marriage, prolly some more than others (insert wink here). The biggest change of spring however comes with my change in careers. Just this past month I resigned from my 5 year streak in Special Education as a paraprofessional and entered into my one-month journey into law enforcement as a corrections officer. During that tenure (I use that word loosely, very loosely, cause it’s fancy) as a CO I entered a whole new world that I only saw on TV or scarcely read about online (I don’t’ typically read the paper). I was exposed to things that could literally make you puke (I almost did) as well as have you questioning whether or not some jobs in life are worth the money they make. Nevertheless, that brief period was not without God’s blessings and His workings as I endured a very super rigorous world that is not for the faint of the heart or the hesitate and unsure of self (I really mean that last part, especially since I am merely only describing myself there). While another change (or two or three) is still in place, this is the time of the year where so much is being expected. New birth of children, adoption of children, graduations, and even marriages. During the past two months (well, nearly two months) God has literally rocked my world as I continue to seek His will for my life in the main two over-arching themes: ministry and marriage. With that said, because I missed a month in writing and updating, that means this is going to be one of those entries that require you (my readers) to have some snacks, a drink, and hopefully some music playing cause you’re going to be reading for a while. The great thing about this being a blog is that I get to ramble; this is my soapbox, my expression, my outlet. So…get comfy, here we go!!!

If I my life were a TV series, the main plot is a huge story arch centered around a young man who was lost, searching for answers about life and the purpose in which things exist and why they happen, which include his place in this world. In the meat of the story he discovers a God that has done a miracle over 2000 years ago that is still active and changes the lives of many people today. The main part of the story is when this young man is saved by the God, by way of His Son Jesus Christ, and the answers that the young man was searching for has been found. Now, the young man embarks on a mission given to him by His God, and it’s a journey that is not by any means easy. Its’ a journey to be ready to serve His God in a very vital role that is not for anyone; the role of a pastor, a preaching-teaching pastor that shepherds God’s church and prepare His people for the Kingdom of Christ. As such, to follow through with His calling the young man must seek the necessary education and training that will ready him to take the helm and run with it.

As the story progresses, the young man discovers another brimming desire surfacing inside him. He desires a mate, another living, breathing, intelligent, God-Spirited woman that only God has created to be with him. That desire has brimmed in him for over 10 years, since the last year of my high school times (prolly as early as 11th grade, but not very evident until 12th grade). Thus, while on the way to the pastorate, he prepares to meet his “bride”, a woman that is given to him by God in order that she may aid him in the work he is commissioned to carry out for the Lord. Many, many potential brides came forth only in the end to be another poser, not the real deal. He still waits for the “bride” that God has for him, but as the days get longer, as he gets older waiting seems to get harder and harder. So much so that the desire for marriage heavily increases over time, even his biological clock taps into that waning and keeps me up at night because the bed seems to be missing someone else. It’s almost as if I leave the house each day, looking back as if I forget something or expected to say bye to someone. I come home almost expecting that dinner will be on the stove or that another warm body is present in this cold, rigid apartment. It’s almost as if my ears hunger for the words “Good morning honey” or even ‘Have a great day at work sweetheart” and even, the most profound, “I love you, sweetie!” or something to that effect. Yet, the reality is that none of that happens.

One cool advantage of being a writer is that you can create any story or poem you want and you have complete control. I can guide the characters to experience ultimate blessing or ultimate, untimely demise. I can give them wealth, fame, love, sex, status, and even a happen ending. I can even manipulate the details of their life to bend according to my will in order that the story’s plot and theme go fulfilled in their courses. But, that’s not what happens in real life. In some degrees, I often thought it would be nice, for once, to have a happen ending. In reality, though, I’m not really looking for a happen ending, at least not in the traditional sense (so…yeah, you could say that I am looking for a happy ending, but I wouldn’t call it happy). That’s also another story for another day. Nevertheless, I do live with the mentality that God has free reign in my life to do as He pleases. Despite my struggles in all areas of life I recognize that God controls it all from Heaven. As such, things happen in my life according to what He has decreed, knowing that it only result in good. By good, I don’t mean necessarily “happy joy joy” stuff (although good joy and circumstances certain result from His workings) but rather according to who God is (God is good in all He does and all He has made). Although, it would be nice sometimes…heh heh

So, changes. Over the past couple of months I’ve been through several changes. One change has been a departure from special ed and my entrance into the field of law enforcement. On Monday, March 5th, 2012, I began a very short journey as a corrections officer for the local correctional facility here in town. As I began my training, I was very excited about this new opportunity, especially since it was going to pay me very well. The first week was orientation, just an introduction into a world that would be brutal, harsh, and very scary. For the first couple of days I still had no idea what I was being prepared for. By the second week, the bigger changes were coming to life. I had experience the pain of being exposed to chemical agents, a special gas grenade as well as specialized pepper spray that incapacitates the exposé for several minutes. While the worst had past after two days, the last two days of that week was spent learning to use firearms. It was first time ever firing a weapon of any sort (since my very first “gun” was actually the Nintendo super power gun, followed by the Superscope gun for SNES). I must say that it was rather fun, even though I had alot of trouble actually shooting the targets in the specified area with all three weapons: a Smith & Wesson 6 shooter revolver, mini 12 gauge shotgun, and mini 14 automatic rifle. I qualified with the revolver and the shotgun, but I wouldn’t qualify with the rifle until the end of the 3rd week. The next week as OJT (on the job training) and that’s when my class spent the whole week at one of the three correction facilities in town, with the dominant one being central unit. During this time I examined the inmates’ reaction towards myself as well as my reactions and attitudes towards them. I must say that in most cases they didn’t really bother me negatively, but of course, there were some that challenged me. I even got a stern warning “You need to be careful” by one of the inmates from the South Unit; that sent a chilling bend towards my spine. To be honest, I should have reported that, but again, I was trained that they would test us. I just treated this like any other threat or test, I simply just let it be. Thankfully, nothing really ever happened. As the week went by, the next week came and went and the last week started. Week number 4 would be my last, to my surprise. It was another training week where we learned more policies and procedures in using the radios and other communication equipment. The week ended with a communications course, which was designed to help inmates reflect on their behaviors so that they would eventually learned why they did what they did as to not repeat it in the end. On the beginning of the 5th week, I resigned as a corrections officer stating that I wanted to pursue other employment opportunities. This was true, more or less, the surface reason, but therein laid another reason that much deeper. Upon leaving that day, I had tremendous peace and the burdens that troubled me all went away.

Another huge change that would come my way has been at the church. Over the past few months, I’ve been asked by my Faith Development class to become a regular teacher once a month. I decided to do so and as such I’ve had opportunities to tap into training to help produce the lessons and studies that I’ve taught. It has given me an opportunity to finally find my “niche” for teaching my classes, which almost mirror the delivery of my receptive learning back when I attended WBC. While it has certainly brought much joy to my heart, it hasn’t been without it’s challenges. I have found that there are books in Scripture that I understand more than others as well as well as how to simply them in the end for simple (or general) application. Along that goes wit that is using the denomination quarterly. While some in the class use that as means of regular study for class, I for one rarely use it, especially in cases where I’m a bit less trained to handle the biblical text, passage pending. One huge thing I’ve had to deal with was pointing out where the quarterly expresses a denominational basis and where Scripture is key in handling the issue directly. This is not the case for Wednesday Bible study or Sunday night bible study, where it’s essentially teacher-material led, not quarterly driven. I guess that’s why I enjoy bible study more than I do Sunday school sometimes, but I enjoy it nonetheless in the same way. As I’ve noticed my days of increasing opportunities of teaching at the church, I’ve also noticed the super amounts of joy and gladness that build up inside me. Truly, truly, ministry is in my heart and the desire to teach is stronger each time I do so. Thanks Lord for showing me the way.

Another change in the church that has taken place in my life has not been at First Baptist of Hutchinson, but rather at Westside Baptist Church. WBC (how bout those initials, also representing also WBC of Washington Bible College, awesome!!) is an independent Baptist church here in the Hutchinson community. It is led by Pastor Tim Adrian, assistant pastor Gary Ridge, and youth pastor Chase Hill. In recent months I have been apart of what’s called a “community group” on Sunday nights at 7pm. While most of them start at 6pm, we start later for some reason (to be honest, never really knew why). I am part of the college-singles bible study (our somewhat unofficial title, but it still works) which is a mixed group of college and young professionals who are predominantly single with a mindset of serving the Lord, enjoying life, and preparing for life adventures (that’s my personal “mission statement” of what I gather from having been in the group for 4 weeks thus far). I have had the pleasure of meeting several young ladies in the group that I enjoy being around as well as the fellas who are great seekers in the Lord. It led by a man named Brant, who does a great job in leading the group in weekly devotions. While many groups typically meet in the church, it is a regular habit that we, as a group, go out and meet up at coffee shops (or another’s houses) and enjoy a bible study out in public. It is an opportunity for us to make a statement about who we are as well as our witness for the Lord. One huge thing that I’ve enjoyed with this group is immediate acceptance, appropriate fun and games, and a mindset to learn and serve the Lord in our lives as well as the being on the “same path” of life. By that, I mean we are all either finishing school, working full-time while going to school, and seeking future marriage partners. I am part of a group that eventually wants the same thing I do, although at this point I have determined that I’m probably the oldest, if not the older, in the group (average age in the group thus far appears to be about 23-26). This group, overall, has been an incredible source of fun, encouragement, and connection.

It has been a tremendous emotionally “outlet” for me considering for the past year that I’ve virtually been solo in dealing with my emotional problems as a young adult and seeking fellowship of like-minded peers to help me act my age. Apart from being a Sunday School teacher or bible study instructor, I am still simply a young adult who’s pushing 30, who’s got normal emotional issues, who desires to have fun, and simply wants to enjoy life. This group allows me to do that as much as I can apart from work and home life. The best part is that I have been able to be my “goofy” self and not having scare off the young ladies who are seemingly immature when it comes to their attitudes and conversations, but in reality they are just having fun. I have yet to be my serious self in the higher degree (or my quiet self) when we’re just having a good time, but it comes to Bible study, I am always serious. Lord-willing, I one these young women may be the bride that God has set aside for me, and if that be the case, praise Him. To be honest, I’m not counting on that and I didn’t join the group for that exclusively, but my main reason in wanting to be part of this group is to connect with like-minded peers in order that I may be encouraging to them and vice versa, and so that I can still enjoy the value of being in my 20s, at least until June. That’s all. And if God shall bless me with a girlfriend, who will eventually be my bride, I won’t grip about the nice bonus coming from being a part of that group!!!

So, now, April’s almost over. What has actually transpired in my life so far based on these experiences? First of all, I have begun to recognize the Spirit’s leading in my life. They have been several instances where I have “felt” or sensed a very strong urging from my spirit that has led me to believe that “something’s not right”. I have known that to be true when I was in college and hearing certain things and found that they were wrong. In more recent times, I have had similar experiences in my last relationship, especially during the last series of days after having proposed to my ex-fiancé. I noticed a very strong urging that something wasn’t quite right. Many times that followed such a strong urging was the inability to sleep in peace, a constant, nagging sense of absence of peace, as well as the knowledge that something was amiss. I thought many times it was my own sense of fear, being afraid of something unknown. In all cases, it hasn’t been the case. Actually, with the Corrections Facility, I had always feared something. I had acted admits that fear and felt relief after acting. And yet after that fear is “somewhat” conquered, that constant disturbance kept festering me. At that moment, I knew that it was the Holy Spirit. The same was true during the week when I was engaged to Helen; I felt and sensed constant inner disturbance and the absence of inner peace, like something was really wrong. I mistook it for emotion, but in fact, something was wrong. What happened that Sunday night after I had flown back to Charlotte (at the time) and received her text messages that initiated the end of our engagement as well as our friendship (all within minutes of each other). In this particular case with HCF, the Holy Spirit led me to the conclusion that I was not where He wanted me to be, and thus eventually led me to self-initiate my resignation with HCF. So, that Monday morning the second of April, that’s what I did. To confirm that truth, my church family has adamantly expressed their thankfulness of my departure of HCF as well as some even expressing their disagreement of my choice in leaving the school system and joining the corrections department. That would even further validate that God’s peace that He supplied immediately when I left the facility that morning. As a result of doing that, I knew that God’s will had been done. I began seeking where He really wanted me in regards to work.

Through this I have come to understand that sometimes what we feel in our spirit is actually God’s warning and prompting that He wants us to either be somewhere else or that something is wrong, needing us to take action to seeking His will. It’s amazing how much God is in tune with me, despite days of not being in tune with Him. I do believe that the Scriptures are true (at all points) essentially when it comes to His plans succeeding and the will of the Lord not being thwarted. I truly believe it’s impossible to choose something God didn’t intend for us, as two things happen: 1, His Spirit will led us away, placing us on the path that He has assigned to us, and 2, The situation or circumstance will not work out. That has been the case with my job situation as well as my last relationship.

Also, in regards to my emotional, relationship life, God has given me more grace in healing my past hurt, experienced almost two years ago. Recovering from my past relationship has not by any means been easy. It would seem as though everywhere I go, Helen’s name has been plastered over the walls and scattered in the winds. In that same way, it has been confirmed that she’s now in a relationship with someone else. I’ve had to deal with that and the possibility of that relationship working out in the end, thus dampening the hope that reconciliation between us becomes less of a reality. Therefore, it makes being in love with her all the more difficult, to the point of it being rather pointless. However, I have made up in my mind the choice to love her as much as I can and show that love by praying for her, respecting her choices (which means I continue to be absent intentionally unless the Lord arranges things otherwise), and entrusting her future to the Lord. As hard as it is to know that she’s in the arms of someone else and that she’s not here to receive my love for her, I know that God remains in control of her life just as much as He is in mine. And therefore, there’s no reason that I should be jealous, angry or bitter towards her, or even driven to enforce my desire to be with for the rest of my life. I must trust God’s Sovereign will for her life as well as for mine. If God wants us to be together, I need not do anything to “make that happen” because He’s able to do that Himself. The same is true for the opposite. Therefore, I can rest in my decision to always treasure her as a friend and someone that I truly love unconditionally knowing that regardless of whether or not we still have an earthly future together, we still share a heavenly relationship that continues for all eternity. For me, it means knowing that I can see the potential in her to become an incredible woman for God and a dynamic spouse for a great Godly brother in Jesus. It also means that oneday I’ll be able to share this same love for the one that God truly has for me as my future bride also shares that same love with me in the end. In the meantime, I continue to ask and seek God’s healing in that area as I continue to seek His guidance in helping me to recover and rid of the baggage that would otherwise hinder my future relationship. I want to be emotionally healthy for my future bride and give her the love due to her. How can I love her rightly if I am emotionally drained and unstable? I won’t. So, please pray that God will continue to heal me and that I will be able to be emotionally available for the one that He will isolate for me. In that same note, please pray that He will isolate the one that’s His best for me and isolate me as His best for her. (It’s refreshing to know that my church family and others are praying that same prayer for me. I truly appreciate it and it means so much to me that they care about my desire for marriage. Guess they were paying attention afterall!!!)

So, where am I now? Job wise, I have managed to work something out with USD308 which not only allows me to have a higher salary, but also a different worksite, but otherwise same role. I will working with more several mentally challenged students come this fall which also will be accompanied with more hours. Two things I really need in order to make it here financially. For now, though, I am working on finding a part-time job that will serve as my source of income for the summer months, and possibly as a side-gig during the regular school year. Also, I am in the process of registering for Baptist Bible College, which I plan to finish before the end of May, transcript pending. As soon as I get my WBC transcript, I should be ready for finalizing my application process to BBC, which should pave the way for the registration and financial process of starting Baptist Bible. I am planning on doing what I can online and moving all campus related work to the summer months or vacational breaks in the school year. This also will help allow me to store up finances to make those trips, which should also help me get a better vehicle that is capable and suited for that kind of long-distance travel to Springfield, MO.

As far as relationships go, I have made the decision to work on steadying my finances and finishing my transition here, and then moving forward to finishing my college education completely and then focusing the majority of efforts of looking for the one woman God isolates as the one He wants me to pursue. Of course, that could happen at anytime and I’m very well remaining open for that, almost expecting it at any moment. (I did neglect to mention that I do have a few “interest” that I’m keeping my eye own, as I’ve also noticed a certain caliber of women that attract me; if God would isolate any one of those as the one to pursue I’d be very pleased, but if not that’s fine too…it has to be mutual, afterall) Spiritually, I’m also at the point where I am more than eager to serve in the pastoral capacity, although I’m still not ready practically to do so. I continue to seek growth theologically, intellectually, and spiritually for the office that God has appointed me to in the future. That’s the great thing about having the opportunity to serve in ministry at my local church.

As I continue to pray and seek God’s guidance for the next phase of my life I continue to prepare for the upcoming challenges that await me. As I turn 30 in about a month and a half, I turn towards a remarkable change in my physical body, my biological clock, and my health overall in all areas of life. Truly, I must be wiser now because my 20s have fled, but now more than ever the patterns and habits I’ve formed since the duration of my teen years now play an even more pivotal role for the future. At 30, I face an even harder challenge as I continue the dating scene (courtship for those who are conservative more than I am) because waiting this long without marrying, in some eyes, is another “red flag” that suggest that something is wrong or I simply, by no choice of mine, want to remain single for the rest of my life. Truth of the matter is I find more myself more skeptical of finding someone who fits the standards of a higher calling than the average young lady, because I am going into ministry. As the reality of that becomes more evident as the days go by, with each class I teach and the more I preach, the more grim reality presents itself that a woman who’s going to pursue me is going to find herself into a world of suffering, difficulty, and high risks. In that way, it’s almost better for her to pursue someone else who is not called to ministry, because it saves her time and grief from dealing with the problems from ministry and concentrate on the normal problems of dealing with the Christian life. However, that also means she misses out on the great things in which God could use her to perform for His name sake. The more and more I get interested in pursuing women, the more I realize that my future spouse’s pursuit of me is going to have to be more than an interest in itself, but a calling all by itself. Who, though, is the one called to be beside me, to help me bear these huge burdens in which I must face and take hold of for the sake of God’s kingdom? That, I’m afraid, is the question and challenge as I look at the young women around me, which is why most times, it’s better if I just remain watchful and ready, at other times alone, because this by itself is a burden-blessing not for just any woman, but for thee woman!!

The Past – A Year Later, the Present – Looking Toward the Future November 26, 2011

Well, the year is nearly over and the first major holiday of the year has come and gone, making it’s way to Christmas — my favorite time of the year. It’ll be a time where I’ll be with family and we’ll be with family opening presents and enjoying each other’s company over music and memories. Of course, the holiday year is always filled with memories, some of them good, the others bad (maybe some in between). Nevertheless, it’s been a difficult time truly enjoying the thankfulness of the holidays because the wrong focus can tarnish the great good that resulted from many decisions that went tragic, some years ago, some just a bit more recent. Of course, I don’t limit my thankfulness to just one day, but each day I am thankful of what takes place in my life, no matter what it is. As Job once said, shall we accept only the good from the Lord and not the evil as well?

That’s how I understand the past, looking specifically at what happened almost one year ago, as of tomorrow. Granted, I don’t remember this in such a way as to bring back what was lost, but to look at it with the result of learning what good came out of it so that God may be glorified. No matter how I come to understand those events, I realize that there wasn’t anything I couldn’t done to prevent the tragic outcome of losing someone I loved, both as a friend and someone very special. Such is my history of meeting people, gaining friends, and yet in the end, loosing the people that were very close to me, whether it be through death or the severance of connections however they may come. For me, losing friends can be very difficult, but a part of my earlier history. However, I find comfort in knowing that God brings people in my life and takes them out, if He so chooses, when He so chooses, and for what reason He so chooses. The end, I must accept the fact that His grand plan is to bring Himself glory through my life and part of that, on my end, means that I have to lose something precious in order to gain something (or someone) much more valuable and precious as part of God’s plan to bless His people with the best. So…what was the best in the situation that happened a year ago? What is the best that awaits me as I continue to struggle to marry as well as to keep valley-center the desire to enter the ministry?

Truth At The Heart of the Matter

The answer to the first question is pretty obvious: the best thing that happened to me a year ago was that God spared me from making the worst decision of my life. The great good that came as a result of that, I got to know Him in a much heavier and greater light than I did before. My relationship with God has taken an extreme height and He has fueled my desire to enter the ministry, accepting all the responsibility that comes with it, and has pushed me forward to finally pursuing it with all the strength I can muster. That means that I am (and have) started pursuing the aid necessary to finally return to school, despite the original plan to return to school in the fall of 2012. Without a doubt, marriage last year most likely would’ve have pushed this pursuit a bit farther into the future, not that that would’ve been a bad thing, at least as far as I could see. However, because the ministry is God’s work, it must be the first priority in my life and nothing can take it’s place to be the number spot in goals in my life. That doesn’t mean that marriage isn’t a goal and that it’s wrong to pursue, but if the top two goals at this season in my life where ministry and marriage, ministry must be first. For me, ministry means two things: the work at the local church and school. The local church is the work that God has given me to do and engage in on a weekly basis to further His kingdom and His mission through His local assembly. At this point, I am praying whether or not that local assembly will still be at my current homechurch or the recent new venture that’s been started, which is the better one since it’s a church that’s been planted from the ground up (with great expectations and guidelines). Looking at my current home church, I am pretty certain at this point that my time there is more numbered, rather than unlimited. Nevertheless, I must wait on the Lord at this point. It may be through another venture that God moves me to another part of His work.
That leaves the other half of ministry involving school. And when I say school, I mean my higher educational pursuits to train me for the ministry, leading me on the path of ordination. That comes through college/seminary education and not quick fixes on the internet. However, I am not attending school full-time any longer, since I must provide for myself, but rather I will go online and part-time. Lord-willing, I want to be able to do more coursework during the summer with one course being taken in both the fall and spring semesters. I am working on getting into the local community college for the pursue of getting an additional degree not previously pursued in order that I may more employment opportunities. Working is part of my life and having the right income (at this level) is essential to ensuring that I can remain steady in working while going to school at the same time. However, Juco is not for ministry, but for psychology. However, the school I’m planning on is for ministry. I have officially decided on Baptist Bible College in Springfield, Missouri to be place of church for resuming my pastoral studies program. Again, this will be done online.
Now, that’s not to say that I couldn’t pursue all these things if I had married last year. I am saying that I gave more importance of getting married than I did my original responsibility, where this was once a super high priority. I think I was distracted last year, last summer, when things began, but since that time, God has recentered my focus on what’s important. I can now put forth the effort to pursue my calling without getting side-tracked. But, what does that mean, then, for my desire to marry?

“Wait” Was the Command, But What Does That Mean?

I must also confess that during the final weeks and moments of that “grand moment” was the Holy Spirit’s command to “wait.” Wait for what? Wait to marry! It wasn’t a “no” or even “yes”, but rather the command to stop and stand my ground without moving forward until the trumpet has been sounded to go on. In my reluctance to do so, it cost me both a great friend and someone special, but it did by no means thwart the plan that God originally intended. What do I mean? It is God’s will for me marry, that I’m more than sure of (the Holy Spirit’s guidance during that unsure time was very comforting). But again, that just simply means that before I am home (maybe before He comes) that I’ll be married. However, looking at the truth from Scripture, that could also very well mean that I’m to marry Christ in the future (which has already happened, but the actual fulfillment of that is yet to take place). So, looking at it from that perspective, it could just simply means that God intends to delay my plans for marriage until a specified moment, only known to Him, for a specified time, or it means that He intends for me to “wait” for Him to return and take us to Christ, thus finally bring us (His bride) home to marry the Lord in the official ceremony. Or, could be both. I’ll take that last one, but either are a reality. But, does that mean I totally don’t expect it or put it aside? Not at all!
I continue to pray about this each day, praying specifically that I will finally meet the one that God intends to make my wife. That also means I’m trusting Him to make this happen (as I know that being in the right place in the right time is just a matter of God’s providence). Thus, I am not worried whether or not I’ll miss her when she comes along or she’ll miss me. Again, if God ordains my steps, how can I understand the way I go and the path I walk each day? That doesn’t mean I wait around and wait for a lady to literally suddenly find my doorstep and knock on the door, but rather through searching in the places available to me I simply stay alert and be ready to receive God’s answer. In this case, looking forward to meeting that special someone, whomever she may be. It may even be a possibility that it may be the one that originally said yes and then no. I have even entertained the possibility that it’s someone new. Even moreso, it may be someone that I wouldn’t think twice of dating (i.e. a single mom). Because I don’t, I simply trust in the Lord to guide me and bless me with the one that’s best suited for me, but moreso, best suited for His plan that He initiated eons ago. Either way, my desire to marry is just as strong as ministry, but again, ministry must remain my central focus, with this other desire a secondary focus.

A New Year, A New Adventure Approaches At-hand

Looking back at what happened last year, I can say that it was something that I’m very thankful for. Sure, it left me hurt (and yes, I’m still hurting, but not nearly as much as I was when it first happened). and left me wondering about the end result of where she is now (I know we live in the same town). I’ve thought about, entertained myself about bumping into her again after the aftermath. I’m not quite sure what it will be like, but I thought I was close one day. A recent “possible” encounter happened weeks ago, which left me wondering whether or not God intends to reintroduce us once again. He did it twice, I’m sure He can do it again. While I’m not certain if it was her, I am certain of this: I was excited with the possibility of seeing her once again, regardless if she were to acknowledge me as a friend or just a stranger. I was more nervous to that effect. But again, it was very uncertain because I in a position where I didn’t see her, but maybe her voice (but for certain her name). I was certain that if I wasn’t on the table at my chiropractor’s office when she did come in, it wouldn’t been a full fledge event happening all over again. If I had to look at that and the other circumstances to which her name (and at one time her mail) arose in my life, I would say that these random encounters (random by man’s standards) had a purpose.

What were they, is essentially the question that comes to mind. But instead of trying to figure something out that’s beyond my means, I simply interpret the events in this light: whatever God intends on doing in the year aftermath of my previous relationship, it will bring Him glory. That means that if we do somehow meet each other again, it’ll be for God’s glory. If we don’t, then it’s for God’s glory. This much I do know, whatever God’s plan for my life (in light of marriage) will take place in whatever way He desires and planned it out to be. I don’t need to worry about it.
Thankfully, I have been working on how I would respond if it were to happen though. I have decided that already she’s no longer in my life as a friend or a significant other, we do share the bloodlink in Jesus Christ. Through that, we share something that transcends our human (or lack of human) relationship and that’s the one that matters. I pray that if it came to a time in where we had ended up in the same worship assembly that we’d still be able to worship our God without obstacles. If not, then there’s a problem. Hopefully, that’s not the case.

So, what’s ahead then? For me, my new extension time with God has been a huge blessing. I have been able to work on spending time in God’s Word and taking up some topics of choice that has enriched my faith and clarified my doctrinal positions in certain matters. It has also help me re-evaluate my future path and career into the ministry as well as marriage. My extension time with God has also help me with spending more time being thankful for His work in my life and has provided more joy to me especially since these times are still difficult for me. To keep my focus on pursuing God and His glory has prevented me from going a “woe is me” trip and in times of being depressed or overriden emotionally it has provided a super jolt of joy and excitement that God is working everything out for good. Thus, I can be confident in what God will do, even if He chooses to do it in a way that I don’t understand nor expect. It has encouraged me to not give up looking for that special someone and that it could happen at any time, wherever I am.

Despite many single sites and webpost about doing this or that to meet that someone, it ultimately depends on how God desires to glorify Himself and it’s up to Him to define how that looks like in our lives. For me, it means that if He chooses to use a dating site, my work at the public school, the library, church, or even the laundry mat as the initial place to spearhead His plan, that’s up to Him, not me. It’s impossible for me to plan to be at the place at the right time, engaging in conversation with the right person, and working it out perfectly where it will result into something special. What I can do, though, is be available and watchful and active seeking God’s promises. That means if I find someone that I find as a suitable match, then I should inquire of that. That, of course, is where the main issue lies, as the logistics of the matter is that unless I meet her at church, honestly running into available single Christian women is a huge challenge. That’s why it’s more evident that God has to be the One to literally work what is otherwise impossible and make it possible for me to finally meet her. In the meantime, as I look forward to a new year and new adventures, I am remain focused on doing God’s work and pursue His calling with just as much (with more) gusto as I’ve given in my search for a mate.

That is why despite my official one-year break of both my engagement and friendship I can continue to press on toward the goal that is before me, forgetting those things that are in the past. I know that even I were to gain what I wanted but not God’s glory, it would be utterly worthless. And yet, to pursue God and His calling is everything and fills with me joy, and if that means I pursue it to the end without ever being blessed with a wife and experience the joys (and disappointments) of marriage, then it’s worth it; the glory of God is worth everything, if pursued with intention and love, including losing what I’ve been praying and wanting for over 10 years in the making. In the end, enjoying God is the ultimate goal, whether or I not that’s done solo or with someone else, God only knows!!

Promises & Prayers — In Pursuit of God’s Will October 9, 2011

Summer is offically over and fall has begun. In about two months from now, Christmas will be in season and winter shall come with all clouds and snow (maybe). In whatever season it rains, snow, or sunshines, God remains a faithful God throughout all the ages. In the past few months He has worked on my heart in various ways, from jobs, to school, to marriage, to ministry, but all relating to the work He has set me apart for. If there is one thing that remains on my heart throughout each day is that I live in order to mangify the name of Jesus Christ. There are times in which I fall into sin and shaking it off at times have been difficult, but thanks to God’s fellowship with the saints and His Spirit it doesn’t typically last long. It’s a reminder that I’m living in duality of natures, one righteous (given by God) and the other is my natural sinful nature (born this way).  Each day, it’s a choice to engage in righteous or wickedness, doing the things I want to do or not doing what I want to do. I feel like Paul most times, though, doing what I really want to do, but not able to because sin keeps abounding, but what I don’t want to this I keep doing. I am looking forward to Jesus’ rapture to come and redeem my body so that I can serve my Savior without sin getting in the way. To  be honest, am sick of it!!! Nevertheless, am fully capable and able to give in to it because I’m a weak man. Still, though, I seek God’s power to protect me and His armor to guard me.  Through trials and testings, God remains my source of encouragement and my salvation, my way out of being bogged down with burdens. With that being said, God has been awesome in His provision and His voice has been clear for the path ahead.

God’s Will For Education

This is parhaps the primary issue facing me even now as I attempt to resume and complete my education once and for all. I believe God has ushered a new desire in my heart that came years ago while I was still a Bible college. That is, my interest in psychology. I played around with that for quite some time, but in recent times I’ve revisited the possibility of using psycholoy to help fund my way through school. I”ve prayed about it and am putting it to the test by applying to the local community college; the aim is to get an associates degree. With that I am hoping to accomplish two things: 1, gain a new long-term employment that will provide a livable, decent salary enabling me to fund my way through school if financial aid comes up short, and 2, provide an official area of “expertise” as I continue to on the way towards ministry and gives me an advantage to help pay for schooling in the longer run until I’m able to enter ministry full-time and even teach Bible college. Before then, I need a way of providing decently for a family (assuming that at some point before I”m done with my education that God will bless me with a spouse).  I don’t like things being about the money, but I must be, in a sense, because in hard times like these making less than $10 an hour is considered poverty (so I read somewhere). I’m not looking to get rich, but I am looking and planning for the future, not just from day to day. A wise teacher taught me to plan for the future, looking down the longer run, not just the short window. 

God’s Will for Marriage

Stronger than ever, my desire to marry has literally skyrocketed since I moved here. That makes it complicated in some areas, easier on others. Nevertheless, I’ve been on my face so much lately praying that God will bless with a spouse. However, take this apart and you’ll find that other factors are involved. First of all, I need to meet someone (online or in person, the latter one I’m aiming for) somewhere, whether it be at church, work, library, laundry mat, or even online. Second, consider interest level and start dating. Third,  well, you know what comes next essentially. This isn’t to say that I’ll be blessed with a “wife” immediately, but rather I’m praying that God will lead me (or bring her here) to the one that I will eventually marry down the road. Who that person is, I assess from Scripture, is a woman who fears the Lord and has a heart for Him. She also has a desire to marry, hopefully equal or surpassing mine that is. Also, she is one that hasn’t been married before. This is increasing difficult as I get older, knowing that over 60% of the ones I find online have been married before, the other half looking being single moms, and the last half being available (for marriage) but not interested. So, in ordinary means, this is almost a high improbable cause in locating a suitable, compatible woman. Furthermore, it’s almost extremely unlikely at my church, given the fact that the average age at my church are those over 40 years old, with the other half being children and youth. Between 20 and 30, try the youth pastor and myself and that makes up for everyone. So, even enivornment scenarios make this a very difficult “search” journey for me. But I’d be a fool to let these things stop me! THEY HAVEN’T!!  On the contrary, I appeal to God each day and put my trust in Him to do what seems impossible. I”ve found comfort in the Proverbs, especially realizing that my steps are ordained by God and His plans for me cannot be frustrated by human means. Rather, even if God has to supernatural impose on the natural events of life and orchestrate events that lead to my future wife and I meeting at some point, then He’ll do this if it brings Him glory. In the meantime, I pray, then I get up and continue to ‘look out for her” whether it be online or in person. God can do anything. While I search and find a good thing, I continue to avail myself to change and break habits that are otherwise unhealthy so I can be a better mate for whomever God has set for me. Part of that is being in the right places (at Jacob’s well if need be) and look for the right woman to show up. That becomes difficult as I”m consumed with church and work, but here and there I can be in other places too. Still, though, God is able to do anything. The Proverbs also tell me that a “prudent” wife is from the Lord. With that, not only is meeting by God’s hand but finding the right woman is also from God. Thus, I cannot find her anywhere, but in God’s will and from His hand. That means it wont’ be just any woman, but THE woman. Til then, I pray for her and I pray for myself. I pray that God changes me to become a suitable husband filled with the desire of Christ towards my wife and that my love for her will be consumed with the unconditional and undiluted love of the workings of Christ, loving her much as to die for her, if need be. And I wouldn’t mind.

God’s Will For My Job

Daily provisions are key and it’s important for me to enjoy my work. I remember, Psalm 128, long ago when I highlighted some verses because I felt that it’s principles were a key point in helping me understand God’s plan for my life. Ultimately, I want to enjoy what God has given me to do in terms of just my daily work. Daily work for a man is so much different than what people think. It’s “how” God provides me with meat and bread and enables me to care for the work He’s given me to do either at church or at home. It is part of God’s ministry and mandate, given way back in Genesis.  To work with my hands, a job, hard-work, that defines partially my identity in Jesus Christ and being obedient to work in order that I may eat from the ground and give to others as they have need. Part of that is doing things with the mindset that I’m working for God, directly, and not for the pleasure of man. The job can be difficult depending if you have a boss that’s not saved and has a flared temper and causes discord among the group. Nevertheless, I must work. Part of that is using wisdom to help determine if working a certain job is enough to fill my pantry through all 12 months, not just 10. The other half is being a better steward over my finaces and making wise choices in what I spend. There’s also nothing wrong with funding my hobby, but until all my serious needs are met, I’ve decided to spend less on that issue and spend more time devoting myself in paying what I need and have to (like my debts). The last part of that is examining what I’m making and asking myself this question: “Is this enough for me to meet my needs and aid me with school, if need be? Can I provide for a family on this, before my college career has finally expired?” These questions have prompted me to re-evaluate my job and focus on the income (though money isn’t initially the primary concern, but then it gain it is) moreso and my ability to do it well, before the Lord. The most important thing here is that I”m not looking to get rich, but by God’s grace, I am looking for something that I don’t have to “leave” in just after a year. The longest I’ve spent at any job is prolly more than a year. My future wife will essentially want a man to have the same job for a while and have a decent track record of keeping a job for a long duration (maybe 2 years or more, if she’s that gracious). I am looking to solidify that, with the only change after that being the entrance to my latter career of teaching college. Til then, I admit and acknowledge that my 10 month position at the school just simply isn’t enough. Furthermore, my student loan services are making it more tight on my pockets and that plays with being able to have a steady income for other things. Thus, the best solution to this is to pay off my debts, but at the same time, I still have enough to pay the bills and plan for other events like the car needing work (I’ve just vouched to get a new one). So, the other way to fix this is to find a new job with a high pay (unlikely at this point, but impossible) or…get married. With a second person assisting me, it makes the rest of my financial needs less stress and demanding. But the responsibility to cover that is mine, not my future spouse. However, it was both Adam and Eve that did work in the garden, so that’s not completely a true statement. To work and keep the house, it’s both for the husband and wife, but I bare the primary responsibility in that. I’ve decided that if it does come to that, that I’d want her to use her income to just help plan for a family, leaving my expenses towards the bills and any other things we need to pay off. I guess the main thing is that I must make sure I am making enough to keep the roof on top of our heads, the fridge full, and the car running and the insurances covered. Everything else, the wife can assist in, including where I”m coming short of.  Devoid of that second option, though, I am forced to take a part-time job, but that could interfere with my service at the church. The other solution, as stated above, is to get a new job. That’s where my new plan to get into the local juco comes into play. If things go well, I hope to have an advantage by the end of the next summer, in time for the transition to Kansas to be over and done, and the new plan to resume my education begins. This and all other things, like above, are still in God’s hands and I pray that ONLY what He wills will come forth.

Taking the Future By Storm…Well, By Prayer & Obedience

So, what does this mean? As I evaluate where I am right now just in life, the follow applications tend to be true and consistent:

1. I must seek God’s wisdom daily to make the necessary decisions about my job and future applications. My prayers are the same everyday, but soaked at the end is me wanting God to have His way. Despite all that I want and desire, God’s will MUST be done. And God does whatever He wants, when He wants. I need to trust that as Romans 8 assures me that all things work out for the good to those who love Him, that these plans are soaked on His will. Afterall, that three year transition wasn’t just mine, but it was the Lord’s will in the end. That’s the amazing part.

2. I must accept that my life will include suffering and lack-of-ease and difficult times because complacency often sets in. I’m look into getting rich or having a “decent” life, but I am seeking one that is disciplined and one that is worthy of God’s approval. That said, I must be careful what I do and help me to be passionate for the Lord and His work.

3. I must accept the truth that going into the minstry will bring additional hardships to what’s already hard enough. That brings it home to even say that getting married will be another one as well. This alone drives me to my knees even now.

4. I am seeking to clean house and I’m not talking about dust and grime. But rather, house being my habits and life choices. They must be effective, efficient, and permanent (long-term in some cases). That is why I’m looking at my job and questioning whether or not it will be enough in another year and two. If not, I’m seeking to change it now while I still can into something that’s better for the longterm. If that requires more schooling, what can I get now in order to help get the better benefit later on? Will that later job allow me to make enough to finish my school and help me live without having to seek financial need from others, even occasionally? So much planning, but again, committing all things unto the Lord. Part of that also includes getting closer to the Lord and ever seeking ways that draw me closer to Him and grow in my knowledge of Him and in my practice as a holy man.

5. Finally, I must pray, walk, and do the will of the Lord in concern with the future in mind. I look forward to Jesus’ rapture for a few different reasons: 1, I will be with Him forever, 2. I will not be alone ever again, 3. Real life will truly begin. All of these are enough to serve as contengancies in cause I don’t get married and remain a solo vessel in this life as well assures me that my victory over sin will finally be done. It also keeps me focused on the work of the Lord and that He’s called me to His service right now. I”m not in the pastorate right now and I have a long way to go before I’m ready, but that doesn’t mean I sit idolly. God has drafted me to teach Sunday school more and more lately to the point where I need to be ready at all times and I am forced to call upon the skills and knowledge He’s trained me with during my years of Bible College. That means that God desires to use me despite all the time I haven’t done that in years. This is challenging me to stay fresh on my studies and gives me a more solid reason to help my living catch up to whatever my doctrinal beliefs are. To be ready for the pulpit, I must ready my life for display among public eyes, for the glory of God.

6. I am more content and happy here than I have ever been. The only exception is when I was at WBC for the first time and then the second. I realize that this is also where God intended for me to be. I am truly content to where even if I God chose not to bless me with a better job or a spouse, I can still serve Him in joy!! I couldn’t say that any other place. That doesn’t really negate the fact that I do desire to share my life with another.

So, overall, the challenges ahead will be great. I know it seems like I talk about the same stuff each time, but maybe I’m doing so in a different light each time. Besides that, I am ever praying God’s will be done and I am ever asking for His hand to guide my path on a daily basis. If God has ordained my steps, how can I understand my own path ahead if even a single step must be in God’s predetermined path for my life? Thus, I have to be careful to evaluate my decisions and choices to be sure that God is leading me to do something, with final authority resting on His Word. In recent times, lately, I”ve felt the need to maybe get out of the school system, even though I know it’s comfortable and Ienjoy being at school. The truth is that is that it’s just not enough and I need something more consistent and more stable in regards to income. If a quick fix at juco will enable that, fine. If quitting and getting a lesser hourly salary is the way to fix it, fine. Either way, I must take care of my house. I can’t lead God’s people if my house and my life are not in order. If, through this, God believes that providing me a spouse to assist me with a second income, then so be it (it would have to be a top reason, though, but not the primary reason. I marry only because of love and because it is God’s will for us to be together, joining us together. The “assisting” part in terms of income is merely a byproduct (if I can use that term)). If it be another way, then let God’s will be done. The holidays are coming up and a new year is upon us. My life in this “promiseland” is still settling slowly. Like the Israelites setting up shop in the land of promise, I have been here enough to scout out the area and see if it is the place in which God will plant me. I’ve made the move and God has opened all the right doors and allowed my conquests to succeed. Now, I am still waiting for other things, but in the meantime, I tend to my duties here. This is only until it’s time to move again (for seminary) or God takes me home. Kansas is my “halfhouse” until the Lord comes again, or takes me to my house in heaven. Til then, I’m ever working and seeking to start my ministry for Him when the official time has begun. I am trusting Him for all things, especially for that prudent woman whom I will call my wife. Let’s see how the rest of the month and year goes as I continue to trust, obey, and hold on to God’s promises without compromise.

Work, Love, & Education — Preparing For The Future Ahead August 12, 2011

Well, the summer is just about over and my summer work has all expired. In a few more days I’ll be returning to work in the school district again and a new chapter of time with USD308 will begin, well, at least as far as the year is concerned (I’m still new, just here at the beginning). Also, it’s been almost 8 months since I’ve transitioned to Kansas; but of course, my transition is far from over. I’m still getting adjusted to life here in Hutchinson (it’s not exactly Hillsboro, but I’ve managed) and so far, it’s dull as a rusty knife. Of course, though, there are some exciting things about it: abundant resources in grocery shopping, a great church, and decent work (two of which of these Hillsboro didn’t’ have). The not-so-good things: getting paid monthly instead of biweekly, loan people ruthlessly pursuing to pay up my student loans, and not having a “peer group” to interact with. In the midst of all these things, though, God is continually faithful and He continues to allow peace to reign in my life in small but efficient ways. Plus, I’m very happy to be here, which is the probably the most significant internal change that’s happened (besides my allergies evolving hectically into an almost everyday thing). I do believe that this shred of happiness I have is similar to my happiness when I first went to WBC. Since I’ve left there, though, it’s never been the same. As the old Kansas saying, “There’s no place like home,” the same is true for special places that God puts in our lives for season; I can truly say that about WBC, which shall always be “my school”, my alma motto (or is it alma Mata?! I can’t really tell). Anyway, you know what I mean. Even though I’ve set my future sight on “Baptist Bible College” online, WBC is still very close and dear to my heart. Afterall, it was there that God really elevated me in my faith and help me stronger establish my faith and where I’ve met some of the greatest mentors and friends that God can provide. It was there I learned about how to use “PBI” and why it’s never a good idea to keep your music stereo at a volume of 7 or higher. I also learned that cool pastors/professors know how to apply PBI principles to movies and why drinking coffee biblically inspired LOL. I also learned that it was okay to ask the hard questions and to embrace the life of suffering (thanks Prof. Shive) while at the same realizing that “The Matrix” is a key PBI template (thanks Prof/Pastor Redmond). All the while, I’ve learned that bible college and seminary students can fellowship together despite our span in years of study (right Lee, Ben?!). It’s also a great reminder that you shouldn’t try to stay up longer than 1am because your fellow dormmates may be recording your late night activities. Finally, I’ve also learned that bible college women are the most beautiful on the planet and they get taken very, very quickly, for some. Ahhh, I could go on forever about WBC, but some of the most precious memories there I cannot record here; it’d made my blog a bit too long (of course, it’ll be long away LOL).

Preparing For The Road That Lies Ahead

Nevertheless, it’s important transition into my life from my teen years to adulthood. I’m in the bridge between 28 and 30, a place where many peers my age are already married and some have even started families. Also, many have an established career of choice or are involved deeply and committed to the ministry that God has assigned them to. Among all of these, I personally feel that I’ve been left behind in the scheme of things. I’m missing out on life, some of the great blessings and experiences that God could allow some people to have. Still, though, in His Sovereignty, I know that things are okay. Despite my bad choices, poor choices, not-so-wise choices, and better choices, that God’s ultimate plan for my life still continues on track. My schooling, my love life, my work life, and my personal life are all still in sync with His Sovereign plan. The Scriptures make it clear that “the plans of the Lord cannot be thwarted” (NASB). Furthermore, Scripture talks more and more about God ordaining the steps of His people and even working all things together for good to those that love Him.” Within all of this, I can assured that whatever God has intended for me hasn’t been lost; on the contrary, they are right on track. I mean, just look at my last two broken relationships that almost resulted in marriage? He has prevented me from making a huge mistake twice in this area all because He cares about my future and the gal I marry. I can be confident that He will provide the right one when it’s time and I continue to be watchful as I pass by women on a daily basis (looking at their fingers have become a subconscious effort to be honest) and as I continue to focus on my daily life and the affairs I attend to. Afterall, enjoying life now is key to enjoying it much more later on. There is an established peace here that I’ve discovered, partly because environmentally-speaking Kansas has a very family-friendly atmosphere, a different pace and tranquility that has captured my heart. This is not to say that other places I’ve lived were stale and unpleasant, but I guess it’s also because the “pace” of the environment was fast, traveling very quickly and it just seemed as though you can spend all your time doing trivial tasks that would normally take time in just a few minutes. Nonetheless, it may be God allowing more peace to enter my life because this “place” is most likely the destination of His plan for my life. I mean, as I’ve blogged before and tons before for the past few years, Kansas has been the essential place for the next center stage of my life. Just like WBC, this place will be filled with tremendous number of memories that I will both abhor and delight in for a lifetime. It will be here that I met my wife (hopefully), start my future ministry, and eventually established a foundation that will be rooted in His blessedness and purpose. This, in other words, is really the start of my life for the rest of it!

As of recent, I’ve had many opportunities to serve the Lord at my church. I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to teach Bible study a few times the past two weeks and it’s been an awesome time!!! I do believe there are many other opportunities God will bless with me, especially since all this will be very helpful when I finally enter the ministry. Of course, I already have, just in more subtle ways, but as a student, I wouldn’t quite really make that statement yet! As I told someone this past week, I still have a very long way to go before I’m official ready for the specific task God has for me to accomplish. All of this is still “training” and getting my feet wet until the time comes for me to step up to the plate. As I wait, however, I am steadily occupied with reforming my life for the later years to come. That includes examining my finances and making the appropriate adjustments to help me build a network for funding my schooling when the time comes. Included in that is preparing to take care of a wife and eventually a family. I recently sat down with a pen and my Toto pad to examine how many years it would take me to finish school online. With 12 credit hours added to my current number of hours (assuming that BBC will let me carry the 70 from Grand Canyon University) for each remaining semester, for a total of 120 needed to make my goal for my BA in pastoral ministries, it would take me 3.5 years. If manage to go hardcore with online classes and go 15 each year, I can finish in just a little over 2 years. For the 12 hour-option, I would take one class in both fall and spring, but 2 course during the summer. For the 15 credit option, 1 course in either fall or spring, and 2 in the subsequent modules would give me that number. The determinable factor, obviously, is my full-time work. If I’m working two jobs by then (which I do anticipate, unless the Lord has another full-time opportunity that’s better than USD308 and my current/previous employment experience) then the 12 hour-option is better. Unless I get married by then, (which is highly likely to happen), the 15 hour-option isn’t the best, unless I take 3 classes during the summer. Even if I did that, I’d have to plan for a summer of busy school work and working for that summer, job-wise, would have to be around that schedule. And it’s a question of whether or not my current job will be enough, especially since it’s safe to assume that a raise is out of the question. Still, though, regardless, I believe it will all work out.

The same is true for my “love life”; despite my many chemistry.com matches, nothing has been intriguing as of late, although my last match seems much better than the last two or three I’ve communicated with. I do hope to see what becomes of my current match as time progresses and as I continue to go through my matches until one of them lands me a serious relationship leading to marriage. And in the end, that’s the idea: I need enough to support a wife and a small family while going through school, if that is the way things would go. Otherwise, I’m not really sure what will happen in sequential order: my college graduation or my wedding. If, from 2012, my schooling takes me till the end of 2015, which is three years, maybe until 2016 in the spring, then between then and that end time, anything could possibly happen. Still, though, I am preparing and working on getting my lifestyle to a point where I am able to support my future wife with as much income as I possibly can. I realize now that marriage is more than just love and cuddling, but it costs: alot! Not just physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, but also monetarily. While even in the end I finally get established here and my financial life is finally in the order it should be, I still can’t promise that I’ll have a “luxury palace” to house my bride, but I can promise her that the lights will stay on, the internet won’t go out, and we will have a roof over our heads and if the baby comes along sooner than we thought, I’d be able to buy diapers and food. The catch-22 is that she will mostly have to work to give me a “support” in the early stages to ensure that when junior comes along we will have a good start to caring for him/her. The object is to be able to provide for her without her working. While I’m not against the woman staying in the home, I do believe, however, that it will take both spouses to provide adequate living in the basics until we are stable enough to live off of one job, which will be mine. Afterall, both Adam and Eve were working in the garden, not just Adam himself. The way I see it is this: man needs to work, aside from the mandate in Scripture to do so, because he needs to a place to live with his wife and to provide for her needs, as well as for his own. Part of that may require his bride to “help” him do so in order to keep the garden looking great. Afterall, she’s called a helpmate for a reason; she’s there to help him and support him in whatever he needs in all areas of life, not just for companionship. That is why I’m not really against the woman working, even when the children come along.

However, my “desire”, my heart, is to get to that point where my bride will have the option to work or not; most likely, I’m sure she will, however. However, when she works, I’d rather her wages to towards saving expenses and not be used a main support for our home; that’s my job or jobs. Nevertheless, though, all of this varies because of the environment and work situations. One thing is for sure: I must be able to at least provide a place for me and my bride to live and have adequate income to support her essential needs, including the late-night ice-cream munchies. As I said before though, I cannot promise more than what God has given me to share with her, as the rest will have to come from faith. The woman that desires to be with me has to understand that much; I didn’t come from a family that was heavily blessed with much; the much we have, we’ve worked hard for and some have taken advantage of that (i.e. stole our family laptop and such). So she would have to appreciate that I and my family are recovering from a huge wave of debt gathering over the years and individually we are all slowly recovering from. None of this, however, impedes my ability to love her and give her the emotionally and physically support she needs to be with a man like me. Afterall, that’s going to be hard enough. All I could ask of her is to trust God like I have been all these years and watch amazing things happen. Afterall, that’s exactly why I got this far in the first place! It was all because of God, not me. Nevertheless, though, all our struggles are temporary, but the real struggle goes on. I don’t believe that a couple will not struggle with something; I recall a conversation in the past that was essentially “I don’t want to struggle when we get married” talk. I think the context was, in many cases when people say this, financial struggle. That’s why I’m working hard to provide a decent income, but if she meant anything else other than that, then that’s false expectation. We will and indeed struggle with something, no matter what! But one thing is for sure; that is a struggle I don’t want and if I can thus avoid the obvious and take care of my loans and other debt that’s smaller, then we won’t ever struggle with meeting the bills. In all my years that I had an apartment (not really including school), I have rarely had difficult meeting my own needs. I know when I was in between jobs in college, though, that was a different story. I can promise her, despite those things that happened in the past, that something like that won’t happen again. Afterall, I was told by a great fatherly figure and dear professor (that’s you, big daddy Carl) that I need to plan ahead because my wife doesn’t want to be anxious about when the bills are going to get paid and where we will live. I just want her to be free to focus on pleasing God, pleasing me, and enjoying the blessings that God will give us. I’ll do all the hard stuff for us both, so that she doesn’t have to. And yet even in this, it’s still a long way to go. But, I know for a fact that I can do it because God can grant me the ability and strength and resources to do so. All I need from her, is her trust, first in God and then in me, and her respect and love that encourages me to go forward. Finding a woman like that is going to be hard; that’s why a “prudent wife is from the LORD” and explains why I just can’t seem to find her. In God’s time, I’m I won’t have to: she’ll probably find me, with the Lord’s help.

What Is Now & Ever Present

In the meantime, I’m focusing on looking more at my job right now. The new school year is starting back up on Monday and I’ll know what I’ll be in for once I get my “paperwork”. I’ve been praying that God will either bless me with a new full-time opportunity or a part-time one in order for me to meet the demands of my life (i.e. paying off my student loans, getting my car fixed or getting a new one, etc.). In time, I’ll see how He answers that prayer. At the same time, I pray also that I will run into that woman (or she runs into me) that I can start pursuing for marriage. I figured taking at least a year to see where things go will be a great start, with a least 6 months just riding it casually to see whether or not we will be “serious” by that time. No matter what, though, it’s all in the Lord’s timing and in His power. I must continue to trust, pray, and watch what God has intended to do in my life. All of this, of course, drives me more and more to worship Him. As a upcoming pastor (oneday) one thing I can be sure to have mastered by the time I face my own congregation: living a life of worship amidst adversity, amidst trials of difficulty, and among the most trying times and never giving up my trust in God to do some awesome things. That is a testament I would like to preach and demonstrate to my congregation at FBC and/or other places He will send me. Of course, the biggest thing, my life has to show that and that’s what I’m working on, daily. It’s a process, a long road, but some things happen now, others now. In the end, though, it’s all for His glory, not for mine, nor for my own benefit, but for the benefit of His kingdom, the work that He is planning for me. I do not want to let Him down. And the key is to go against the grain of society and the normal expectations of living; afterall, being a “reformed” Christian also mean that my life is reformed in all areas to demonstrate what a life would look like in Jesus Christ. That, in itself, is both a challenge and a mission.

News & Booze — Summer Sizzlin’ Updates from NinjaSunflower June 26, 2011

Writing…soooo overdue, but so fun. I’ve been super busy (or super lazy) in my writing phase lately it’s not even funny. Nevertheless, my mind continues to waver though many untold stories and adventures that it would take a few volumes to capture them all. Of course, as far as my blog goes, updates are as good as facebook statues. In anycase, this update isn’t going to be long.

Well, in the past couple of weeks many things have transpired: a summer job, turning 29, and summer projects. Since my last entry I’ve experienced many of God’s blessings and His provisions to keep my loneliness to a minimum. I’ve gotten heavily involved in my church praise band and have taken some adventures through the past week at Vacation Bible School. I’m also a regular attendee at just about every bible study the church does as well as the extended study through another church at a weekly morning study and a monthly prayer breakfast. Through it all, I’ve enjoyed some hefty conversations about the church’s past as well as it’s future (by church, I just mean my local church, FBC of Hutch). Through it all, though, it has helped me focus more on God and less on myself; rather putting myself in situations to trust in God for provisions to provide for my mental and emotional needs so I can be less of a brute, depressed guy, not that characterizes my norm. Rather, since moving back to Kansas, I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been in my life. But like in many other things (or in my Genesis 2 study) I was made to be with other people and have company. Since I’m lacking in that department, I’ve purposefully kept myself busy so I have less time to think about my lone ranger state,

In that regard, I’ve resorted to praying about finding a wife and for her as well. At the same time, based on one of my recent studies, I’ve come to terms that I believe God intends to bless me with a wife. Put that together with the unconscious desire to look at every woman’s left finger, I’d say it’s all working in God’s plan for Him to be bring in the Mrs. Fredericks at some point and time. And of course, that’s the hard part. I have also come to terms that it’s most likely to happen at any place, any time that He has set on His timetable. If you count the likely places for me to meet a woman my age, the places will be just few, if you count crowd control. By that I mean young, vibrant, beautiful (or not so beautiful) single women that have either finished or is finishing their college careers and/or have moved into their career phases and are ready to settle down. Finding them, a huge problem. At my church, they don’t exist. Two, here in town, the demographics in single women (or in Kansas in general) is that the majority are married. The other half are in relationships, and the rest…unchurhed. So, that narrows down my meeting a qualified woman down to about 2 out of 10, maybe 1 to be more extreme (as that highlights the situation here). Of course, the most likely place would be church, but not mine. I’ve only attended one other church (I had a free night) where that would increase, but still not by much, as most of the young single girls are all still on the road of finishing high school. So, the only other avenue I can turn to is online dating. As such, I’ve decided that I’ll try chemistry.com (as I’ve had some match communication) as it’s now my eharmony experience that may potentially yield promising results in time. Of course, through it all, I rely on God to help me locate and find that “helper suitable” He has for me. Still, in all though, it doesn’t matter what He uses, whether He sovereignly uses an online dating site (He has before) or whether He brings the woman to my church or leads me to her through conventional, everyday means is all up to Him; what matters is that ultimately He must intervene and bring forth the event Himself because without His hand being in this process, I won’t be meeting anyone. My situation alone is already less than slim, so unless God shakes things up, there’s really nothing I can do, except trust and let God bring people in my life however He chooses. In other words, like the servant at Jacob’s well trusting that God will make his journey successful, finding a wife for Isaac, I must trust that God will bring my Rebekah to my well at some point and time and unless He goes before me and makes my journey successful, I’ll be standing at the well with my camels for a very long time! But either way, whatever He knows is best, to God be the glory.

In last news, I just continue to go about life with the attitude that God gives me each day to praise Him and live for Him. Whatever happens on that day God is in full control. I’m currently beginning to plan for the upcoming year once this transition is over. In all, though, I’ve been blessed with a church family, a job, and for the first time, in a long time, some measure of happiness. Whatever comes next, God is with me and He’ll ready for what lies ahead. Now, where’s the beautiful women at?!!!

From Struggles to Victory — Knowledge & Holiness Have Their Way April 17, 2011

It’s been a long while since I’ve updated my status here in the Midwest. Despite the lack of blogging, however, things have been going quite well. And yet, getting established here is not without the many challenges that make the adult life a trial in itself. In the end, though, it’s all good and a very good lesson about how God continues to shine His hand upon His people.

Provision & Lessons of Life…All From the Lord

In both a practical way and a spiritual way, I’ve seen God do some amazing things. The practical things, such as the physical and tangible provisions, my car has been holding together, despite the $500 work order it needs to be more reliable and strong. My job has been going well despite the continuous struggle to actually handle the instruction material with diligent care and proper time. Nevertheless, it’s a great blessing to serve as an elementary para. It’s only going to be another month until the summer and I’m in the process of looking for work so that my bills can remain in check as well as to gain the necessary funds to get my car up and running much better. Other than those things, my health has held up (for now anyway) and God continues to provide strength for my days of weakness.

As for the spiritual, the Lord continues to refresh me in the teachings of Jesus Christ and continues to challenge me to live a holy life before Him. He gave me a strong sense of change when listening to a Spurgeon sermon just this past week that helped sink in the notion that my new life in Christ must display the redemption through the submitting to His Spirit, changing my fleshly response to temptation to that of prayer and dependence on Him. I am also seeking ways to stir up the gift that God has placed in me so that I can be constantly seeking ways to fulfill my earthly calling to ministry until I have attained the proper training to enter full time ministry (after my schooling is finally complete). In the end, though, God continues to change me and transform me into a more mature, humble, and sincere man of faith.

Current & Constant Struggles

In the other news of life, I have joined the church I’ve been attending since my arrival in Hutchinson. It’s not a big church, but a small one. It doesn’t have any post-college agers aside from my self, but in the long run being with an older crowd does have it’s bonuses. In many cases, though I still struggle with wanting to associate closely with those of my calibur (my agegroup) while at the same time mingling with an older crowd has given me much to look forward to. I have even befriended a gentleman much older than I, but rather to be seasoned with wisdom he is one who is in need of others around him to be there for him. Other than that, it’s just the three Bible studies I attend on a weekly basis (one on Wednesday, the other early Thursday mornings, and the evening service on Sunday night). Those have been a huge blessing in themselves!!! I even had the privilege of leading one of our Bible study sessions a few weeks ago; while God be praised, I thought it could’ve gone better (in regards to preparation and delivery). Still, though, it’s humble to know that God still used it to encourage and edify His people.

The new challenge now lies within music. Today, I’ve been on the spotlight for singing. Granted I sing when I’m in the mood and at church when I’m worshipping the Lord, but to join a choir is really not something I really find all that intriguing. However, many have come to me to see if I’d be interested in joining the praise team. I think they even wanted me to direct a choir. I’m flattered that they thought that, but I don’t know the first thing about choiring directing (except for the fact that I’ve seen it down, been in one of course, but never had that as an ability). Still, though, it was a nice thought. However, the way one worded it today, inviting me to just sing with them. Hard to say no, as I don’t mind praising God with my family and I, for one, don’t dribble on praise!!! Besides, if they know that I’m not strongly gifted in that music area then it’s relieving to know that they’d have me even though Singstar is the best of my ability to bust a note. Thankful, for the Lord, all that matters is one’s ability to praise Him with the entire being, which is what I do every Sunday. Still, though, should be interesting to experience starting next month.

Let’s see…other than that, not much is going on. I still hunger and thirst for a social life with peers of my age calibur and even type I guess, which is why I enjoy the Bible studies I attend. However, I still could use a friend or two to hang out with once-in-a-while. That, like I said, is a continual struggle. I plan on finding a place or two to hang out (aside from that mall) this summer so I can began having an active social life. Maybe even meet a special someone if it led to that.

On that note, I am ready to move on. I’ve decided that I can’t give up just because one or two or three women decide that I’m not the one for them. I put my trust in God to help find that special someone and in the meantime do my part in seeking her as I await for the Lord to bring me a prudent wife. But make no mistake, she’s just not going to fall in my lap or bump into me in the street, I do need to be active in looking. Proverbs reminds me that the one who finds a good wife finds a good thing, but it also says that a prudent wife is from the Lord. So, that just goes to show you that no matter what happens, in my search I must trust God to lead me to right one and that the right one will find me. In the end, if it all actually ends in marriage, then it was a great thing. In the meantime, I’ve focused on living a holy life and dealing with all the other stuff that needs to be dealt with so that when I marry all obstacles to that full blissful time will not be hindered. That includes paying off my school debt, which I made a goal to nail it all by the end of next summer, if at all possible. That’s why working in the summer is not a choice, but a necessity. Of course, that means that I may not have to work next summer, but time will tell.

Pressing On Toward the Mark of Christ

In the meantime, I continue to rely on God to help; me walk the path that was meant for me and lead me to the fulfillment of His purpose He created in me before the earth formed. I intend to jump into my calling as soon as possible and using the means I have now to get me where I need to be. I mean, if I am alone for the rest of my life (alone being, without a companion, spouse) then I want to enjoy what He has given me and seek full joy and happiness in Jesus Christ. I think the biggest thing, though, is that I”m growing more and more happier in my life. I think being in Kansas has much to do with that, but it’s like it’s totally different from being in any other place. For some reason, being here “makes sense” and seems like I”ve been here all my life. Things literally fell into place when I did move here though…didn’t do that much in many places I”ve been, but it’s okay. I do believe I am finally where God wants me to be and that this is the place where my future begins. The next priority is school, after my establishment here is completed fully (prolly not until next summer). Til then, it’s work, church, and the time I have at my apartment. If I end up having a social life after all, that will be a wonderful treat and a tremendous blessing. Til then, all I have before me with my church family will have to fill that void of and desire to be part of a group.

From Education to Sex, Knowledge & Holiness All For God’s Glory

I, then, make that one of my main prayers, with school being number two, and marriage being number three. Maybe it’ll all be in that order LOL!!! If that’s the case, then it won’t be long I guess. However, marriage will take care of one my most deepest and desirable needs — sex!!! For one that hasn’t been a virgin since my teen years, that’s sooo longly overdue. Still, though, love with sex is much better than sex without love or vice versa. Still, though, the ultimate challenge in that is to wait until marriage, something I failed to do a number of times even after my conversion. Gotta say, I got it right in my last relationship, although it was short-lived (not much physical contact for that matter). Of course, as I’m learning, the ways I did things in my past life require a different response now. To love “her” (whoever she turns out to be) means to really treat her with the upmost respect and dignity worth of a Christian princess and to model the desire to woe In her and know her for the rest of her life, while we wait to share the ultimate filling of our love on our wedding night. For the first time in my life, it will be pure, holy, and filled with God’s blessing. That’s passion that will be foreign to me, but it will be all worth it. The challenge, again, is waiting for that moment to come. And contrary to popular opinion, it is okay for two people because of sexual temptation. It is encouraged in 1 Corinthians 7, but even I would venture to say that I’d honor that in the context that I would also want to marry in love, not because of sex (though it is encouraged and safe because God invented marriage so that sex could be enjoyed). After all, delaying gratification is for that reason, to experience ultimate and blissful pleasure without bounds (but within limits) in marriage. Otherwise, won’t mean much without it!!!

Final Words

Anyway, that’s my discourse on some of the issues I’ve been dealing with lately. That and juggling my time to write more (a yearly goal that never seems to be fulfilled) and to spend time growing and maturing in the Lord and preparing my life to handle the pains and workmanship of school and future provision for a wife. Despite the other events in my life (my grandfather passing and my family moving on without my physical presence and the challenges awaiting us all two years without my dad) God is awesome and worthy all praise and glory. As the month of May approaches, the summer continues to offer some huge and outstanding challenges that will put me to the test of faith. No matter what, though, God is with and will forever guide me to the path that I was meant to tread ever since He first called me into His Elect. I’m thankful and glad for Christ and I want nothing more than to be a light and messenger for Him. May my life display His holiness and the redemptional blood of Christ shed for me and those whom believe; may that change my life ever constantly and so ever lovingly that in the end, it’s all His glory and the end to my worry!!!

Adjustment & Faith — Livin’ In the City of Salt January 30, 2011

It’s been almost a month since I’ve returned and moved to Kansas and since my arrival the Hand of God hasn’t ceased to demonstrate provision. I have a great job and resources that allow me to get the things I need, but what I don’t have quite yet is a church to call home. Apart from that, I don’t have any other people to really associate with (except at church). My initial stay here has become one me with the physical and financial needs, but the spiritual and social needs still exist and are things that are lifted up in my prayers. Of course, mentally I have been met with the deju vu imagery of the memories I had once formed when I was here before. Not only in November, but in April of last year, and July of two years ago, and again in December of my first residing in Kansas. Together, with the new memories that are forming, one thing remands evident: this place is my home.

The State of Mind, The Contentment of the Heart

This morning, as I got up for church, I was thinking (and talking to myself) about altho I have yet to make new friends here it feels like I’ve lived here all my life. The places I resided previously all seemed like places of Deju Vu and places that seemed like they were dreams, living in Kansas makes it seem like I’m awake. I’m alive, I’m breathing, and live here seems to be so different, yet enjoyable. Sure, I’m devoid of company but I have been able to keep a stable (somewhat) mentality that allows me to push away the lonliness, but only for a short time. My time would be better if I had friends (or a friend) to hang out with, people in my peer group to associate with, and just other things to help make establishing the first fruits of transition even more a blessing. Still, nevertheless, I remain surprising well. I could be in dread and in “misery” like before, but somehow being here won’t allow me to do so. I feel as though as this place has awakened my spirit to be free and able to think clearly and able to function independently on a level that says “so this is life” with a smile. Granted, I’ve always been able to take care of my own, but it just seems like here, like makes more sense. I do believe this may be my wait station as I continue to strive toward my real home, in heaven with my Lord Jesus Christ. Until then, I am being readied and preparing to live my life for His glory. This is the place where my ministry will originate, where my family (eventually) will develop, where I will find my find my bride (hopefully), maybe even have and raise my children, and even finish my degree. These are things that are yet to take place, but I believe they will have their time here soon.

What Has Worked, Have Fallen In Place

So far, though, God has blessed me with a job that’s paying me well and I do believe in two years I will have a very good income steady level. My start in an unfurnished has been rather fun and challenging at the same time (first time I moved here, I did have access to furniture, whereas this time, I had and have to acquire furniture as I see fit and when I can). I am back in the Paraeducator title working at an elementary school in town. It has been a fun challenge and great relief from dealing with extreme and dangerous behaviors the past 2.5 years. Still, though, part of me is used to that extreme level, but it’s good to finally have room to breathe and focus on educating the children (and having them actually understand what’s going on). The downside, though, is that I have to wait to get paid monthly. In time, though, that will be more of a blessing than a burden. Right now, I am weighing on two more weeks of what’s left in my checking and savings (and God’s hand) to see me through.

While working has been a piece-of-cake, my next matter is joining a local church. That has never been easy. It’s further complicated by two things: distance and transportation. Granted, the church I’m attending is just down the street, other churches are further away and would be best travelled via a car, not a bicycle. Still, though, I am in constant prayer about where God wants to place me. Part of that is looking to see in what capacity I can serve in, until my education warrants me to move up the ministry ladder (altho I can still teach Sunday school without a degree). The good thing, though, is that while I wait on God to lead me to join a church, the church I’m attending now, FBC of Hutch, has been a very good place to be a part of. The congregation has shown me God’s love and I have been repeatedly thanked for coming among them. I believe many are just encouraged of my attendance, which is good. They are going through a time of interim and restoration, however, so it’s a time where joining is in question. Nevertheless, it’s been my home church for right now, at least until I’m able to move around a bit more as I continue to shop around and find where God wants me to be. Until then, just seems like this will be the norm for me.

So with work not being an issue and church being on my prayer grid, the next thing is my social life. That is the hardest area to really get involved in. Finding my peer groups in this town can only be meet with the local community college or churches that have upper twenties and 30s in the congregation.  This is what’s lacking at FBC, but I’ve been hard to overlook it because I wanted to focus on how God to still use me in this church, if He is leading me to join. The college age is an area that’s fleeted from me especially now since I am almost 1 year away from 30. I was in a post-college age group before I came here and that was fun, and I was becoming assimilated there, but had to leave. Here, though, I would be for a long time. Building a social life here will be the hardest thing for me despite my contacts and other friends living in Hillsboro (my intended target for relocation), but I think that’ll come with age and time. I mean, most 30s work full-time, provide for their families (the majority are married), and spend their time and energy fixed in the grid of their lives. I am just playing catchup in many of these areas. Of course, due to some past recent events, some things I had intended to be apart of no longer exist, so it makes my life harder here. But still, it’s just been a month. I need to give it more time I suppose…

Application & Implication

So, overall, how have I faired here? I do believe God has His hand on my life and I do believe that this transition was more than my desire to return and establish a life here, but rather this place holds forth the purpose that God has for me. Rather, it holds the avenues and opportunities, the other half of the story God intends to write as He continues to lead me on this journey to glorify Him. Just being here a week I’ve seen God not withhold anything essential to getting started here. I am currently contemplating the issue of moving on and beginning my search for a helpmate, not allowing the past events to influence the notion that it’s too late. I simply can’t give up, but at the same time, it’s not like I’m getting married tomorrow (tho that would be really cool and awesome!), so am planning on just an initial meeting and getting to know someone through a time phase. I believe by next summer, when the transition is over, that I will finally be ready to bring home a wife from that point on. Til then, plan, weed out, pray and trust God will send many my way so that when the time comes He’ll weed out the one that will finally take me as a her special guy. I’ve been hit with “God has someone special out there for you” or the “God has a special woman for you” iimplying that that woman who said that doesn’t think she’s special enough for me, like I’m above her or she’s beneath me, when I’m just a regular guy, a sinner saved by grace, has no  more speciality than any other man or woman does. I just think they’re being kind when they say that, but after hearing it most of my life at this point sounds more like an insult and an excuse. Nevertheless, I have determined that I will seek counsel when this matter arises again, as I’ve deemed myself incapable of making the mature decision of finding a suitable woman.

Part of that, of course, is that I”m on a mission to return to school, which is the big idea of this whole transition. Marriage is the icing on the cake and the underlined purpose of the transition on the side. My schooling has become the cornerstone of the financial piece of the transition and I hope to return, online, starting next Fall (2012). But as I’ve been telling people, it all depends on God’s direction and how soon this door opens and this and that happens, but in all, being led by God. My dwelling here has been quite a relief, but a very dear blessing. I am still able to enjoy the life God has given me here and as things continue to develop and I eventually meet new people and friends, I am excited about how I’ll finally have no more excuses about how my life doesn’t have stablity and that I have something to offer a woman, althou I personally belief that nowadays a woman really needs a man that can demonstrate love that only comes from God and takes care of her personal needs, as her physical needs will always be met by God (not her man) because if I were to loose everything, including my job, all there is left to feed her will be my faith and God’s provision. What matters most, a man’s faith and trusting that God will provide for all things, or a man having an established life and the woman feeling comfortable enough to dabble in it only then, to question the man when he looses everything. Let’s re-evaulate what really matters in a relationship: not money, not provision, not even children, but again, faith in the LORD God, and His ability to provide even in the times of impossibility and giving us the ability to demonstrate unconditional love for one another. That’s what matters, not everything else (altho it is important, yes). And so, as next month dawns upon me, I am still trusting God to get me through. God has never been unfaithful or lacking in His care for me. My suffering, which characterizes my life in various ways, has been a great thing. I hope that the woman I eventually meet will come to understand that I look at suffering as part of my life and part of what she’ll have to endure with me. I’m not rich, not fancy and big on much, but I have enough faith to change the direction of mountains and plant them in places that are impossible, only because my faith is rooted in nothingless than Jesus blood and righteousness. If that’s not good enough for her, God bless! I’d rather be alone and in faith, than with someone and have lack of faith or little faith. Afterall, I came here with only 4 bags of luggage and the clothes on my back. Now, I have a fridged stocked with food, an airmattress to sleep on, tv to watch and play my games on, and a computer with area internet able to communicate with the people I love and befriended over the years, and a phone that’s able to help me keep me contact with my family and most importantly, a Savior who has washed away my sin and provided all I needed to life a holy life before Him. What more could I ask for? Don’t answer that LOL….I do know, but to all, I give God all the glory. As I assimilate to this area and rely on my faith, living in this place also known as Salt City, I am excited about how God is going to take my life and turn it into something much better than ever before as I embrace my destiny as a future teacher-pastor and educator.  I do, though, wonder, what’s going to happen next…guess I’ll find out when My Lord is ready to reveal that to me…

When East Meets Midwest — Starting Over…Again, But With a Twist January 1, 2011

It’s that time again and normally I do an end-of-the-year review post, but due to other things I”ve decided to just jump ahead and lay out the first entry for the year with a fresh start. I’ll still reference what I didn’t update yet, but only as context allows me. Other than that…

 Well, here I am. A new year, new journey, but a familiar “state” of mind, although in a different town than once before.The only thing that’s different, however, is my focus. Last time, it was about someone else. This time, it’s all about the purpose of the LORD. Generally, that would include everything, but I speak with specificity. It’s the same old song I’ve sung since 2003, danced to it in 2007, but the tunes ended in 2008 with a different beat ready to play. That is, school. The different beat, life. Let me explain.

Rewinding to 2008, I recall an interesting conversation that eventually birthed the idea to transition to Kansas, although it wasn’t originally intended to. It was one of those “you need to establish your life” kinda talks. It was in reference mostly to a relationship I was in at that time, although apart from that school was still fitting the picture. To sum the entire twist, I needed a way to build a network (what I call a network anyway) stable and manageable enough to allow me to return to school without the aid of loans while also fixing the current loan situation. I thought about a number of places that this could be possible and where I didn’t have to really rely on much support from anyone apart from God and what He gave me as tools and resources (job, prayer support, etc). So, I thought about where I had the most advantage. D.C. was too expensive and hard to find housing that’s affordable, despite a reasonable rate of finding work (in about 3-5 months that is, with someone armed with clerical and educational experience — at that time, 3 years for clerical, 1 year for education– and –at that time– armed with only 66 college credit hours. Trust me, I wouldn’t be a bust, but a probable in most places if they wanted to hire me. So, that was hard enough. I thought about Charlotte, but I didn’t like the place and originally it took me over a year to get a job…and I had less than I did now in both experience and credit hours. So, that was a no-go. My final though, one other place. Kansas. Bingo! I had the lowest of the mix, but I eventually moved up from making 2.29 an hour to minimum wage (5.15 at that time) plus a part-time job paying me 7.50 an hour. Now that was a progress!

So, naturally, I landed my thoughts on Kansas. But, it wasn’t solid yet. I knew all too well from experience that unless this was something God wanted me to do, if it was part of His plan and if it wasn’t, it wasn’t going to work. So, I decided to take a trip to Hillsboro that year (spent who knows how much which is besides the point) partly for a relationship, but mostly to inquire of the LORD to whether or not that would be the best move. By the time the trip was over, though, I trusted that God was leading me in this direction. Not only that, I got excited. Not just excited, I got boiling zealous of that whole thing! So, I was going for it, but this time not without preparation. To go “blindly” once again would repeat the three times I jumped without an initial plan. So I decided that I would devout the next 3 years of my 20s to transition to Kansas. The sole purpose, to build a solid fixture in stability in my life and restore finances in order to both work and attend school so, the big idea, I can finally live out my calling to the LORD in full. So, then, the plan to transition here was formed and solidified and prayed for and prayed for and prayed for and prayed for and prayed for. The plan to transition was essentially “LORD, if this is what You want me to do, then please work it out and if not, then Your will be done.” I planned the transition to begin in 2009 with a job for the sole purpose of gathering what I needed to transition. However, I built the transition where another year would work for phase 1, which I dubbed “the financial stage”. The two other phases were “the moving phase, number 2″ and “the establishment phase, number 3.”  That was the stage I was building for in D.C. at the peak of 2008, but something unexpected happened: my dad got terminal cancer. Talk about a sidebar to return to Kansas!! Still, though, God would work it out.

So, to put an end to my misery in D.C. and to alleviate the grief on my family (with dad dying only a few days during my 2009 visit) I decided to temporarily abandon my plan until my family was okay. At the later part of 2010, after praying and examining family, I decided it was time to begin the transition once again. While technically I was in phase 1 during that time, I was hoping go forward with it as soon as possible. That was because initially I wanted to be “established” by 2012, but would possibly need to jump to Kansas then in order to ensure that I had enough to be ready for that by 2012, giving me an additional year to have a raise in income. Nevertheless, I decided to linger for a bit but would still work on phase 2, just in case things panned out. So, to help my family move on “literally” I stayed during the summer of 2010. Of course, something else added to the excitement of my transition by the time the summer was over– Love.

Love…I can write (and am writing) many poems and stories based on my own personal experiences, which are amusing, serious, sad, and sometimes in a romancer type-way, very tragic. As a matter of fact, they’re all that way! But, to stay on topic, an old flame of mine and, at that time, a dear friend I knew for three years reunited our previous relationship. Sure, I had my doubts, but as time went on, I thought she was very serious about committing to me. Without going into detail, let’s just say that I do believe that she was helping me strengthen the cause of my transition. The town I’m in wasn’t on my radar and I wasn’t intending to move here. However, this was the only place that both responded and suited my needs. Rather, it would take everything I have and what I didn’t have; Wichita was the first alternate to Hillsboro, but while I did get a job offer there I was still without the tools needed to perform–i.e. a car). Over time, though, Hutch became the beacon because of her. It was later that she passed me to me the school district info and I decided to give it a try. I was skeptical, but to my surprise, I got a contact. Praise God! Backing up a bit, I was intending to move in summer of 2011, but asked God to help me decide to either stay or move. If I could get a strong lead on working in Hutch, I would go right away, in the next season of school. And sure enough, not too long, I got a contact (the Wichita job I later turned down for the next reason you’re about to hear). Matter of fact, I got another one just a month later, but that was the one she passed on to me. Now, I was set.

Set to not only make my move, but to really “make my move” if ya know what I”m sayin…! I was planning to take our unofficial commitment to a serious committed step. I was hoping to coincide that with my transition to Kansas, but as things happened, they didn’t turn out that way. Love again, was lost. But that’s okay, because again, the focus was the transition. I decided to not delay any further, not because of that or because I soo driven to just say “what the heck, I’m going anyway”, but mainly because God had already answered my prayer. My prayer wasn’t “if this relationship works out” but rather “if I had a strong job lead”. The girl was never in the picture even in the beginning and now many know the reason why. Fool me once, but not twice. And besides, I figured some things were irreversible (like my resignation, which my boss told me that she would reinstate me if things changed, which I greatly appreciated) and informing my contacts that I had changed my mind. I decided, in part, that I would be the one to keep my commitments especially after having consulting God on the whole thing. I wasn’t being led and didn’t get compelled to stay, but and unknowing to those who really wanted me to stay, convincing me to stay only prompted me to leave even more because I didn’t feel at peace and steady in my spirit to remain. So, in trusting the LORD, I felt it was best to resume. To put that at ease, God literally not only gave me another job lead (when I was now looking at apartments not jobs) but a specific interview right in my lap!!! So, it went from looking for a strong lead, following a strong lead, to having a job interview with a serious 99.99% of being hired on the spot (the interview told me that he had to feel the spot quickly!) God wins again!! That was in November of 2010.

And so, transition 2 was now and is still underway. It is now 2011. God has made my way prosperous thus far working things out to get me an apartment, a way to get to and from the airport in both places (from Charlotte to Hutchinson) and enough seed money to furnish my apartment. I am now awaiting my first job interview in 1.5 years working in my semi-self-proclaimed temporary career in Special Education.  I am excited and elated about the whole thing. Not just that, though, but I made a vow to the LORD during that season of love. In keeping with that vow, I am determined to keep my full focus in establishing my finances and my life to get me to the point where I can manage one online class a semester, maybe two, or full-time during the summer on a nearby campus. I have not yet determined which is best, but originally I didn’t plan on returning to school in any fashion until after the transition was complete, making it either 2013 or 14 depending on how long it would take me to pay off my loans. That also means that I wasn’t planning on seeking a wife until that point, but my timeline was initially 2012 following the transition. At this point, this year, I”m not intending to plan for any romantic relationship (I’ll speak more about this in a few). My main focus is to complete my transition and begin phase 3 as soon as possible, as God opens the necessary doors. By that, I need a place to live “permanently” in order for everything to make sense. So, my goal is to move into a house, hopefully in Hillsboro, but it’s still too early to say. Am waiting on God right now, but will also just focus on one thing at a time. As such, I’ve devoted myself to something. I’ve decided to be more focused on my calling this time around and other things too.

This year, and especially since God has done so much in my life right now and much with this transition, making it more just a plan I came up with, but a divine path that has an intended goal/big idea.  I have decided to no longer stay on the sidelines in my faith. That is, I’m not going to church to digest the sermons and lessons and apply them to my life (but I will certainly continue to do this as James tells me to do so), but I will begin looking for a place to resume ministry, based off what I served lastly during my last season of ministry service in 2003, apart from my time of service at Hillcrest in 2008 (though I count that as rather small and I wasn’t a ministry candidate at that time unlike at my home-home church at Redeemer). However, I’m not looking to get hooked on titles and I’m certainly not going to jump in ministry with zeal and no knowledge, like before, but this time, it’s all different. Thanks to what I learned from my mentors and God’s work in my life last summer, I know the area that I will focus on spiritually, which also echoes my civil career, at least until my seminary education is completed (not for a looooong while, as I still have to get my B.A. first) and that is teaching. I’m not a “degreed” teacher, but i coin myself simply as an educator, a paraprofessional.

Titlewise, outside the church, a paraprofessional is one who is a subcomponent of classroom education acting independently of the teacher, but as a liaison between the student with special needs and the primary educator. In other words, I am here to assist on a, typically, one-to-one basis and sometimes on a mass scale when the teacher isn’t available, but not absent. Thus, a degree for a para isn’t needed, but college credits are and I have more than enough to qualify me than ever. Of course, though, my last job with CMS (Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools) wasn’t really a parapro job as I was a secondary component to the primarily educator and at times being in the place of a primary educator, despite credentials due to the nature of my role at the assigned school. Thus, teacher assistant became more “you’re teaching but in an assistant fashion”. The role I’m looking to play in my new job will be a para, but I won’t know for sure until Tuesday.

Aside from career goals, I have personal goals that I will aspire to this year as well. These aren’t “resolutions” but again, goals, things I hope to achieve after a good long while during the year before January 1, 2012. One of those will be to no longer consciously seek to date for the point of marriage, during the duration of phases 2 and 3. This is mainly due to the next reason I’m going to share, but in part, having to do with the unwise decision to seek to marry someone I knew (despite what happened before as well) without wise counsel. While I did do the right thing to pray about consistently, I should’ve followed God’s promptings more as I’ve found out that certain feelings I had were not mine, but the LORDs. However, thanks to that, I have been able to look back and see that a “certain” prompting in my spirit is consistent and thus the Holy Spirit’s way of letting me know something is terribly wrong. Thanks for letting me know this, LORD, as this will useful in my future major-decision making as He sees it. As for the other reason, it is because transition-wise I want to be fully established in permanence before I take on another relationship because I’m not just wanting a date, I want a wife.

Therefore, I need to be able to say “I’m living here basically for the rest of my life until the LORD tells me to pull an Abram, takes me home, or raptures us to heaven,” whichever of those come first. I thought about that today, actually, and while inside I”m still “looking” because the innate desire to not be along, I need this time to recovery from my last relationship as well as from the previous ones that I honestly probably haven’t properly healed yet. Therefore, I want to allow God to fully restore me in a new way so I that the repercussions from all my previous relationships, especially the last two having ended in broken engagements, are mourned, forgiven, and forgotten. That will be hard, but not without challenges, and not without temptation. I am hoping and trusting God to carry me through proper grief and helping me to love in the way I was meant to.

With that said, while I am not intending to date for the next 1.5 years, I have told God that if He does want me still have my heart open to consider another match, that this time He’ll have to make the decision for me. I have surrendered to the fact that based on the last three times I am not mature and wise enough on my own to make the decision on who I will marry. I say that with complete humility and honest. I just can’t seem to make that right decision so I’m going to let God make it for me. So, whenever He does (if He does according to His will) or chooses not to, it’ll be okay with me. My last goal for this year is to focus on developing and drawing out the beliefs I have in my faith.

In Bible college, we (the students) were taught to write and develop a doctrinal statement (or statement of faith for those who are lesser reformed LOL). While it was simply for class and a grade to many (and to me), it has become a serious matter to me during this time, especially having encountered many doctrinal matters last year between FBC, JWs, and my previous relationship. I have come to the conclusion that what you believe in the faith matters, as it governs the way a person lives his or her life.

And thus, for me, I need to explain to myself why I believe what I do and how do I explain it to other people with passion, understanding, and evidence. What does it mean when I tell people I’m a Reform Baptist minister? Why do I believe in a Trinitarian God? Why do I feel that the NT doesn’t command us to give a tithe, but instead to give generously as God has blessed us, according to what we have and don’t have? How do I understand marriage and why I believe there is not Scriptural evidence that supports divorce? These are just examples of things I will explain and cover in my newly reformed doctrinal statement that I will work on for the rest of this year. But unlike my paper for theology classes at WBC, this one is mine and it’s personal. This is what Reggie believes and here’s why. It will be my version of the Westminster Catechism or the Heidelberg Cata. This is important especially since I am returning to ministry after a long painful but necessary hiatus and personal reflection. While I needed that time to finally accept His calling on my life, I felt like I wasn’t being useful as I was so busy with my own agenda. But now I see that Kansas is both essential to His plan as well as a personal choice that both agree on the same thing: this is the place He’s been leading me to all my life. The big question is why? I have no idea nor do I need to worry about it. “How” God will bring glory to Himself using me here will later be revealed. The most important thing is that I use the gifts He’s given to me to serve Him and build up His kingdom. And as such, I’m devoting and changing the way I do certain things like how I read my Bible.  It’s time I “put own” the theology instead letting theology own me. In other words, I live out my theology with deep conviction and passion as I teach the younger men that God put in my way and encourage those older to be the example I need to follow so I can eventually do the same thing. It’s time for me to be a spiritual leader; okay, it’s been time for that and I’m just now owning up to that (I’m not implying that I haven’t been leading spiritually, but rather my leading hasn’t been very good).

So, to focus, I am leaving all my romantic desires to the side and placing them in His hand. That means, at least, until I get settled here both spiritually and on a physical matter, I am not planning on any GFs or wife candidates or whatever you want to call them, unless God leads me to do so. And if I do, I will seek wise counsel and take the advice from my mentors, as I will no longer enter and date without accountability. That leads me to another matter as well…I have to work on, with God’s help and power, another area that’s been outta focus for a long while and that’s my purity. Time to own up on that too.

So, as you can see, much to trust and depend on God for. This is a year that I need to just remain focused on Him and get time and spend time with Him as I now put away the things I’ve always wanted. I”ll let Him bless me with whatever He wants, even if I’m not intentionally seeking to do this or that (although saying I”ll “let” Him sounds like I’m in control…please don’t misunderstand that). Even with this transition, it’s now become bigger than me.  So, as I restart my new life in Kansas, but in a new town (still want to move to Hillsboro though LOL) I am coming with the intent to be the man God has been shaping me to be all these years. Of course, though, I just can’t jump into serving in a local church either without examining myself very closely and carefully living holy and pure, as I am a leader and I have the power to make others rise and fall. So, I must be very careful. And that’s what keeps me humble, but still, I have to be careful to say no when I need to.

And with that, the new year starts. I am excited to see what the LORD has planned for this year and how He’s going to perform transformations in my life so that He may use me in turn to transform someone else. With the excitement of the Word before me and the passion of joy of the LORD inside me, I look forward to resume preaching the Word of God when I am presented to do so. But I want to preach, first, with my lifestyle, and then next with my words, as the gospel needs to be spoken to be preached, but the preached needs to be sent, and will be used, but can’t be used if I the preacher isn’t living the gospel, lest those who aren’t living accuse me of being just like them and to the holy ones another snare and mockery. Please, LORD, let me be found faithful in that hour. And so, when east meets midwest, it’s time adjust to the permanence of change. Starting over is hard, but this time there’s a twist in the mix. That is, this time, I’m walking alongside the LORD with a more mature heart and spirit, but with more challenges and armed to the teeth with the mindset to serve Him, forever!